Relationship abuse is a behavior that is obtained to show power over your partner in so many ways like financially, emotionally, physically, and sexually. Relationship abuse is not something that comes all of a sudden, there are many signs. So, follow this article to learn what are the warning signs of an abusive relationship and how you can get out of an abusive relationship.
Abuse can take any form, it can be sexual, physical, emotional, mental, or financial. An abuser will do anything to gain power over you. In a relationship where you are constantly demeaned and where you feel worthless is an abusive relationship. An abuser will exert his/her power over you by taking away your freedom. They will want you to become completely independent of them for everything. An abuser will not start by physically assaulting you first, they will start by making you financially independent of them or by cutting off your contact with friends and family.
They will make you feel isolated, they will make you choose between them and your friends or family. They will start doubting you and judging you for your every move. Sometimes it is hard for a person to recognize the signs of abuse because of the trust you have on them. But all of these signs are there and they are slowly taking away your peace of mind. You start feeling worthless and hopeless. You feel as if no matter what you do, nothing is ever going to be enough for your partner.
Follow this article to explore more about what are the warning signs of an abusive relationship and how you can get out of an abusive relationship.
Table of Contents
What is an abusive relationship?
No relationship is perfect. Every relationship has its ups and downs but the most important thing is to never lose control. An abuser will not start abusing you physically, they will never hurt you physically in any way. It always starts with little things, like making you cancel your plans just so you can stay at home and do nothing. They will make you cut off contact with your friends by telling you that they don’t like hanging out with them or by showing you things done by friends in a completely different light.
An abuser will make you dependent on them in every sense, especially financially. They will make sure that you have no resources to move forward. They will make you feel isolated and lonely. They will make sure you have no contact with any family member or friend of yours, that way you won’t be able to ask for help from anyone. And if you go against them then, they will start behaving aggressively. They might start throwing things or banging the doors. This abuse can grow to a point where they will start raising their hand on you. Slapping, kicking, punching, belting, or strangling you.
Your relationship will never work if your partner finds pleasure in hitting you or demeaning you. An abuser will also abuse you verbally by calling you names or insulting you or the things you do in front of everyone. Verbal abuse will make you question yourself. It will lower your self confidence and you will feel worthless, a feeling of hopelessness will constantly surround you.
What are the warning signs of an abusive relationship?
An abuser will not show the major signs at the start of the relationship. Rather they will take one step at a time and make you fall into complete isolation. Following are some of the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
- Possessiveness
- Disregarding boundaries
- Controlling behavior
- Aggression
- Keeping secrets
- They ignore you when you need them
- Gaslighting
- Mood swings
- Your partner will never apologize
- Obsession
Possessiveness:
Everyone wants a partner who is a little possessive about you and the relationship you have with them. But when your partner starts becoming so possessive of you that he/she starts making you cut off communication with your friends and family because “they want you all for themselves”. This extreme possessiveness will mess with your peace and your partner will always doubt you regardless of the situation.
Disregarding boundaries:
Boundaries are important for everyone. Every person wants to have some things that they can keep for themselves. But when your partner starts to disregard boundaries they will want to know each and every detail about you and your day. They will want you to share everything with them and if you leave something out then, they might get upset.
Controlling behavior:
If your partner does not let you make a single decision about your life and wants to dominate every aspect of your life then, this is a sign of an abusive relationship. Your partner will get upset if you make a decision without telling them, they want to control everything that’s happening around you. From where you are going to whom you meet. Everything.
Aggression:
If your partner gets angry on every single thing then, this is a warning sign for you. Everyone gets angry but it is important for a person to control their anger. For their sake and for the sake of their relationship. But when a person forgets everything in their anger and you feel unsafe around them. You feel as if they are a time bomb that can explode anywhere then, you have to get out of that relationship.
Keeping secrets:
If your partner wants to know everything about your life but doesn’t tell you a single thing about theirs then, you will feel bad. You don’t know what is going on in their life, you feel like you don’t even know them properly because they hide things from you. And when you ask them, they start getting angry. So to avoid that, you don’t ask them anything.
They ignore you when you need them:
If your partner wants you to be there for them every time but whenever you need them they conveniently skip the situation then, this might be a warning sign for you. Your partner is not there for you when you need them the most can be extremely damaging for you emotionally and mentally.
Gaslighting:
Gaslighting is one of the major signs of an abusive relationship. Your partner will brainwash you into thinking that no matter what you do, it is never going to be enough for them and for your relationship. They make you feel worthless and lonely. You start questioning your sanity, you feel hopeless and your self esteem is slowly deteriorating.
Mood swings:
When you are in a relationship with someone who has unstable mood swings then, this might be very dangerous for you. Every person goes through mood swings but when a person starts to physically or verbally abuse their partner and then blame it on their sour mood later then, it is a sign of an abusive relationship. Your partner will say mean things to you, start throwing things in the house, or worse hit you and then blame it later on saying that they were just stressed about something. This is a sign for you to leave them and run away.
Your partner will never apologize:
Your partner will never compromise and you will always end up apologizing to them. It won’t matter if it’s not your mistake or if they are having a bad day because of an outside source, they will make you think that all of it is your fault and you should be the one apologizing. You won’t even know what you did wrong but for the sake of ending the fight you will apologize.
Obsession:
You have just started a new relationship but your partner is getting too much involved in your life. They start being with you a little too much, they don’t let you go anywhere, they start following you, and keep tabs on you and your activities. You will feel as if you are being watched all the time. Everybody likes attention from their partner but too much attention that feels like obsession is not healthy for a relationship.
What are the causes of an abusive relationship?
Being in a relationship with someone who abuses you mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially sometimes will make you think why is your partner like that. What is wrong with them and why do they behave this badly with you if they claim to love you. Following are some of the causes of a person to an abuser in a relationship.
- Mental problems
- Poverty
- Education
- They have a history with abuse
- Alcoholism
- Unemployment and drugs
Mental problems:
A person who is mentally unstable will face a lot of mood swings. They will think that whatever they are doing is because of their sour mood. They can physically or verbally abuse someone because their brain is not functioning properly. They imagine things inside their brain and think that their partner is against them. This type of person can physically violate you because they have no control over themselves.
Poverty:
Poverty is one of the main reasons for an abusive relationship. A person who doesn’t have enough resources to provide for his/her family will feel frustrated and angry. Sometimes that frustration and anger can get out of hand. This can lead to emotional abuse or worse physical abuse. Abuser will take out all of his/her frustration on you.
Education:
Not having enough education to distinguish between right and wrong can cause you and your relationship extreme damage. You don’t know anything, you don’t even want to learn anything, and you are not familiar with the changes happening around you. You feel frustrated and you feel worthless so you abuse your loved one’s. This is why education is important, it helps a person see things from a different perspective. It broadens their imagination and it makes a person more understanding and open.
They have a history with abuse:
Your partner is someone who has faced abuse as a child or as an adult. They are grown up in an environment where they think hitting someone or calling someone names is absolutely fine. They have seen their father beat their mother and they think this is how the world works and this is not an abuse but the sign of a good relationship.
Alcoholism:
Alcohol can make a person’s brain fuzzy. They stop thinking clearly and this might lead a person to do things they will regret later. Alcohol can make a person out of control, if your partner is an alcoholic then, there is a possibility they might lose control over themselves and abuse you physically and sexually. If whenever they drink you start getting scared not for their health but for your safety then, you need to run away from your partner as far as you can.
Unemployment and drugs:
What if your partner is unemployed or worse they are addicted to drugs, this can damage your relationship. Being unemployed is not bad but if a person starts taking out their frustration and anger of unemployment on their partners then it is an abusive relationship. Similarly drugs can make a person’s brain completely useless, they might do something that they will regret for the rest of their lives. Most abusers are under the use of drug addicts or alcohol when they do something.
Why is it hard for people to get out of an abusive relationship?
We may say that a person should leave an abuser as soon as they see the first sign but it is not as easy as we say. There are many complications that a person has to deal with which makes it hard for them to get out of an abusive relationship. Following are some of the reasons why people find it hard to get out of an abusive relationship:
- Manipulation or gaslighting
- Isolation
- Children
- Financial dependency
- You are not recognizing abuse
- You are in danger
- Denial
- Legal difficulties
Manipulation or gaslighting:
Your partner is manipulative. Whenever you think about leaving them or confront them about their behavior, they brainwash you into thinking that this was the last time they have hurt you. From now they will change for your sake and for the sake of their relationship. They will manipulate you into thinking that you are all they have and they love you unconditionally. This is all just a ruse, they will never change but you give them a benefit of the doubt.
Isolation:
They have made you completely cut off from your family and your friends. You have no contact with anyone and even if you try to contact them your abuser will make sure you have no means. They will take every resource of communication away from you, you will feel isolated and lonely. Even if you request them to let you go and let you meet your family. They will always tag along and make sure you don’t say anything to them regarding your situation.
Children:
It is especially hard for a person to get out of an abusive relationship when there are children involved. You start thinking about the safety of your children before anything else. You cannot seem to ignore the fact that your children may get hurt because of your situation with your abuser.
Financial dependency:
Your abuser will make you dependent on them emotionally and financially. They will take away your freedom to buy resources. They will not allow you to have income or savings. Your abuser will have complete control over your finances and will want you to ask them for every little thing.
You are not recognizing abuse:
You are living in denial and no matter what your abuser does to you, you don’t say anything. You think it’s normal or you just keep giving them second chances. And if someone tries to help you, you shut them away because you don’t think anything is wrong with you. You trust your abuser blindly. No matter what they do, you think it’s out of love.
You are in danger:
You cannot get away from an abusive relationship because your abuser has threatened you in some way. Either they have told you that they will harm your family or your friends. You want to get away from this abusive relationship but you cannot have your freedom at the cost of someone else’s life. So you keep living in danger.
Denial:
You are in denial. You don’t think that you are in an abusive relationship and you believe your partner blindly. You think that whatever he/she is doing there’s a reason behind it. You support them no matter what they do. You have turned a blind eye to their abuse and you seek no help from anyone. You think that this life that you are living is completely normal.
Legal difficulties:
There is a possibility that you have asked for help from the authorities but due to some legal difficulties they have to let it go, naming it as a domestic dispute. For example you may have signed some legal papers that gives them right over you or you are an immigrant so, you have the fear of deportation. This way you hide your abusive relationship by fearing that what if something goes wrong and you end up being deported.
How can you get out of an abusive relationship?
It is not easy for a person to get out of an abusive relationship but if you have decided that enough is enough and you want freedom from this hell. Then, following are some of the ways through which you can get out of an abusive relationship.
- Put yourself first
- You cannot help your partner
- Devise a plan
- Don’t give in to their manipulation
- Be independent
- Restraining order
Put yourself first:
You have got to start taking care of yourself. Think about your future and ask yourself is this really the kind of relationship you want to spend the rest of your life in? Take one step at a time towards healing and stand up for yourself. Always remember that you are not giving up on your relationship, you fought with every fiber of your being, it’s not on you. You tried staying in that relationship, you kept on giving them chances, but now you have reached your limit.
You cannot help your partner:
Never think that if you stay with your abuser then one day they might change. It is never going to happen. And even if it does happen, the cost will be your physical and mental health. You have to accept the fact that some people can’t be changed no matter what you do, they will always remain the same. No matter how many times your abuser tells you that they will stop hurting you, it never happens. The sooner you realize this the better it will be for you.
Devise a plan:
If you want to escape from your abusive partner then, you have to be extremely careful because if your abuser catches you then, things might take a wrong turn. You have to devise a complete plan according to your abusers mood and routine. Contact someone you trust who can help you. Keep everything ready and pack every important thing like your ID, your passport, your license, and some cash. Get in touch with the authorities as soon as you can. This will help you to stay safe.
Don’t give into their manipulation:
Most of the times when a person tries to separate themselves from an abusive relationship their partner starts begging them to not leave them. They promise you that they will change and will never hurt you, you have to understand that this is all just a trick to manipulate you. A person who really loves you won’t try to hurt you in the first place. So, don’t listen to them, turn a deaf ear to all of their pleadings just like they did.
Be independent:
Start your journey towards healing. Get your freedom back, it is easier said than done but you have been given a chance to restart your life, don’t waste it. Try therapy and counseling, look for a job – any job this will make you feel independent. You will start seeing things from a new perspective. Get back with your friends and family, try to forget about that phase of your life.
Restraining order:
The first thing that you must do after getting away from your abuser is involve the authorities. File a restraining order against your partner and get the law involved. Make sure you completely cut off your abuser from your life and if they try to come close to you, the restraining order will help you by putting them behind the bars.
Conclusion:
It is not easy for a person to get out of an abusive relationship but if a person has hope then, they can do anything. Falling for an abuser is not your fault because abusers don’t show their true colors from the very first day. There may be signs but some people choose to ignore them thinking that maybe their partner is having a bad day. But it is not everyday that they are having a bad day. No one can hide their true behavior for a long time, sooner or later major signs of abuse will start to show.
It is at that point, you have to realize that this person is not good for you. They will hurt you emotionally, physically, mentally, verbally, and financially. They will make you second guess yourself. The verbal abuse will make you feel worthless and hopeless. An abuser will not hurt you physically at first, they will start by brainwashing you and by obsessing over you. These early signs are proof that this relationship has no future.
