Grief is a complex and natural emotional response to loss, typically associated with the death of a loved one. Still, it can also be triggered by various other life-altering events. To know about the 7 stages of grief and bargaining in the grief stage, follow this article.
Grief is a universal human experience characterized by intense sorrow, sadness, and mourning. Grief can manifest emotionally and physically, impacting individuals differently based on their coping mechanisms and personal experiences. Grief is a natural process that allows individuals to come to terms with their loss. And adjust to a new reality without the presence of the person or thing they have lost.
Grief has seven stages, and bargaining is one of the stages. In this stage, people often make promises to themselves or to a higher power in exchange for a chance to undo the loss or to avoid further pain. For example, someone might pray for the return of a deceased loved one or promise to change certain behaviors or habits if the situation can be reversed. Bargaining is often a way for individuals to cope with the immense feelings of loss and powerlessness they are experiencing during the grieving process.
Follow this article to learn more about the 7 stages of grief and bargaining in the grief stage.
Table of Contents
What are the 7 stages of grief?
The 7 stages of grief, also known as the grief cycle, were developed by psychologist Elizabeth Kubler Ross in 1969. These stages represent the emotional and psychological process that individuals may go through when coping with significant losses, such as the death of a loved one or other major life changes. Some individuals skip certain stages, while others linger in a particular stage for an extended period. Let’s explore these stages of grief.
- Shock and denial
- Pain and guilt
- Anger and bargaining
- Depression and reflection
- The upward turn
- Reconstruction and working through
- Acceptance and hope
Shock and denial:
During this initial stage, individuals may feel a sense of shock and disbelief in response to the loss. It serves as a protective mechanism, allowing individuals to gradually process overwhelming emotions. Denial involves a refusal to accept the reality of the loss, and people may find themselves numb or in a state of disbelief. This stage can provide a buffer to gradually adjust to the painful truth.
Pain and guilt:
As the shock starts to wear off, the pain of the loss becomes more apparent. Feelings of sadness, guilt, and regret may arise as individuals start to confront the impact of the loss on their lives. Guilt may emerge from unresolved issues, things left unsaid, or perceived shortcomings in the relationship. These emotions are normal and part of the healing process.
Anger and bargaining:
Anger can be a natural retaliation to the sense of injustice and powerlessness brought on by the loss. Individuals may feel angry at themselves, others, or even the departed person. Bargaining, the next stage, involves attempting to negotiate with a higher power or seeking ways to reverse or alter the loss. People may make promises or “what if” scenarios to regain what has been lost.
Depression and reflection:
As the reality of the loss sinks in, individuals may enter a state of depression. Feelings of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness are common. This stage provides an opportunity for self-reflection as individuals contemplate the significance of the loss and how it has affected them. It’s important to note that depression during grief differs from clinical depression and is a natural part of the healing process.
The upward turn:
In this stage, individuals begin to slowly adjust to life without the person or thing they have lost. The intense emotions start to subside, and individuals may find brief moments of acceptance and hope. The path to healing becomes more apparent, although it may not be a linear progression.
Reconstruction and working through:
As individuals gradually come to terms with their loss, they enter the stage of reconstruction. They begin to build a new reality and adjust to life without the presence of what they’ve lost. Working through grief involves actively addressing the emotions and challenges that arise, seeking support, and finding ways to move forward.
Acceptance and hope:
The last phase of grief is acceptance, where people embrace the truth of misfortune and its effect on their lives. While the aggravation of sorrow never totally vanishes, people figure out how to coordinate the misfortune into their lives and discover a feeling of harmony. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting the lost person or thing but rather adapting to a new normal with a sense of hope for the future.
What is bargaining in the grief stage?
Bargaining is one of the stages in the grieving process, identified by psychologist Elisabeth Kubler Ross in her model of the seven stages of grief. It occurs after the initial shock and denial and before the later stages of depression and acceptance. During the bargaining stage, individuals attempt to negotiate with a higher power or seek ways to undo or alter the loss they have experienced.
It is characterized by a desperate desire to regain what has been lost and a search for meaning or solutions to the loss’s overwhelming emotions. The characteristics of the bargaining stage will further explain this stage.
- Attempting to reverse the loss
- Seeking a second chance
- Negotiating with a higher power
- Guilt and self-blame
- Coping with loss and uncertainty
Attempting to reverse the loss:
In the bargaining stage, grieving individuals may cling to the hope that they can somehow reverse the loss they have endured. They may wish for the return of a deceased loved one or seek a way to reverse other major life changes. This desire to go back in time is an emotional response to the pain of the loss, and it serves as a coping mechanism during this difficult period.
Seeking a second chance:
During this stage, individuals might want a brief possibility, trusting that assuming offered the chance, they could change the result or keep the misfortune from happening. This could include making vows to themselves or a higher power, promising to do things any other way later on if the circumstance is switched.
Negotiating with a higher power:
Bargaining often involves attempts to negotiate with a higher power, such as praying or making deals with fate or a divine entity. The grieving individual might anticipate the arrival of their cherished one or look for consolation that the misfortune can some way or another, be scattered. This quest for consolation and trust can be a method for adapting to the mind-boggling feeling of frailty that accompanies distress.
Guilt and self-blame:
Feelings of guilt and self-blame can accompany bargaining. The grieving individuals might fault themselves for not doing what’s necessary or for mistakes that prompted the misfortune. These sensations of responsibility and self-fault can strengthen during the bargaining stage and are important for the most common way of grappling with misfortune.
Coping with loss and uncertainty:
The bargaining stage is vital to the grieving process, as it permits people to adapt to the extreme feelings of misfortune and explore the vulnerability representing things to come. It allows people to investigate their feelings, considerations, and expectations in the aftermath of a critical misfortune.
What are the signs of bargaining in the grief stage?
When individuals experience grief, they may go through various stages, one of which is bargaining. This stage involves negotiating with a higher power or seeking ways to undo or alter the loss. It is characterized by hope and a desperate desire to regain what has been lost. Below are the signs that someone may be experiencing bargaining in grief.
- Praying for the return
- “If only” statements
- Making promises
- Seeking alternative solutions
- Revisiting past decisions
- Attempting to make deals
- Obsessive thoughts of “what if”
- Regret and self-blame
- Searching for meaning
- Isolating oneself
Praying for the return:
In the bargaining stage of grief, individuals may turn to prayer as a way to cope with their loss. They might engage in earnest and heartfelt prayers, pleading for the return of the deceased loved one or the reversal of the lost situation. These prayers can be a way for the grieving person to seek comfort, reassurance, and hope in the face of overwhelming sadness and pain. Praying can offer a connection to the departed person or a higher power, providing solace during this challenging time.
“If only” statements:
During the bargaining stage, individuals may become preoccupied with thoughts of “if only”. They replay past events and wonder what could have been done differently to prevent the loss. These thoughts are often filled with regret and self-doubt as the grieving person tries to make sense of the situation and find a way to undo the pain they are experiencing. The “if only” statements can serve as a way to grapple with the reality of the loss and explore possibilities for a different outcome.
Making promises:
A common sign of bargaining is making promises or commitments. The grieving individual may vow to change certain behaviors or habits if the situation can be reversed or if they can be given a second chance with their loved one. These promises can be an attempt to gain some semblance of control in an uncontrollable situation. It is essential to recognize that these promises are often made in distress and may not be feasible or realistic in the long run.
Seeking alternative solutions:
In the bargaining stage, individuals may seek alternative solutions or treatments that they believe could have saved the person they lost or changed the outcome. They might research medical treatments, therapies, or other interventions, hoping that they could have made a difference. This behavior stems from a deep desire to find a way to reverse the loss and return to a previous state of normalcy.
Revisiting past decisions:
Grieving individuals in the bargaining stage may find themselves fixating on past decisions. They may analyze and question their choices before the loss, wondering if different decisions could have altered the outcome. This self-reflection is an attempt to understand and come to terms with the loss and may involve feelings of guilt and regret.
Attempting to make deals:
During the bargaining stage, individuals may feel compelled to make deals or bargain with a higher power or fate. They may offer something in exchange for the return of their loved one or for avoiding further pain. These deals are often made out of depression, as the grieving person tries to negotiate a way out of their grief.
Obsessive thoughts of “what if”:
Thoughts of “what if” scenarios become prevalent in the bargaining stage. The grieving individual may constantly imagine how things might have turned out differently if certain events had not occurred. These thoughts can be tormenting, as they keep the person mentally stuck in the past and prevent them from fully accepting the reality of the loss.
Regret and self-blame:
Feelings of guilt and regret are common in the bargaining stage. The grieving person may blame themselves for not doing enough or for perceived shortcomings in the relationship with the deceased or lost situation. These emotions are a normal part of processing grief and can be challenging to overcome.
Searching for meaning:
During the bargaining stage, individuals may search for a deeper meaning or purpose behind the loss. They might try to find reasons or lessons in the tragedy, seeking to make sense of an event that feels senseless. This search for meaning can be a way for the grieving person to find some sense of understanding and acceptance in the face of their loss.
Isolating oneself:
The bargaining stage can be an introspective and overwhelming phase, leading individuals to withdraw from others. Grieving people may isolate themselves as they navigate their thoughts and emotions. This isolation is a coping mechanism and an attempt to process their grief in solitude.
What are the dangers of the bargaining stage?
The bargaining stage is a natural and important part of the grieving process, allowing individuals to cope with their loss and navigate through intense emotions. However, if not managed appropriately, the bargaining stage can pose certain dangers and impact a person’s well-being. It is crucial to be aware of these potential dangers to provide support and seek help if necessary.
- Prolonged emotional turmoil
- Unrealistic expectations
- Avoidance of reality
- Impact on relationships
- Delayed grief work
- Impact on mental health
- Neglecting self-care
- Alienation from support systems
- Lack of emotional growth
- Interference with future relationships
Prolonged emotional turmoil:
The bargaining stage is a natural and necessary part of the grieving process. However, if a person remains stuck in this stage for an extended period without progressing towards acceptance, it can lead to prolonged emotional turmoil. Constantly engaging in bargaining behaviors and thoughts can keep the individual emotionally entangled in the pain of the loss. This prolonged emotional turmoil can be mentally and physically exhausting, making it challenging to move forward in the healing process.
Unrealistic expectations:
During the bargaining stage, individuals may develop unrealistic expectations of reversing the loss or finding solutions that are beyond their control. They might hold onto hope that if they pray harder, make more promises, or negotiate further; the situation will change. However, death and irreversible losses are a part of life, and bargaining cannot undo what has already happened. Clinging to these unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment, frustration, and increased helplessness.
Avoidance of reality:
Bargaining can act as a coping mechanism for individuals to avoid facing the harsh reality of the loss. The intense focus on “if only” thoughts and bargaining strategies can be a way to shield oneself from the pain of accepting the finality of the situation. While this may provide temporary relief, it prevents the necessary process of acknowledging the loss, experiencing the emotions that come with it, and ultimately finding a path toward healing.
Impact on relationships:
The intense preoccupation with bargaining can strain relationships with friends and family. Loved ones might find it challenging to understand the individual’s behavior or might feel helpless in providing the support they need. This strain on relationships can create feelings of isolation for the grieving individual, making it difficult for them to lean on their support systems when they need it most.
Delayed grief work:
Staying in the bargaining stage for too long can hinder the process of working through grief and reaching a state of acceptance. Grief is a natural retaliation to loss, and going through the stages allows individuals to gradually come to terms with their emotions and the new reality. Delaying this process can prevent healing and resolution, prolonging the pain and confusion associated with the loss.
Impact on mental health:
The distress and emotional turmoil caused by prolonged bargaining can adversely affect mental health. The constant struggle with guilt, self-blame, and unmet expectations can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, or other mental health challenges. Individuals must address their emotional well-being and seek professional help if needed to navigate through this difficult stage.
Neglecting self-care:
The overwhelming focus on bargaining and the associated emotions may cause individuals to neglect self-care and well-being. During grief, taking care of physical health, emotional needs, and daily responsibilities is essential. Neglecting self-care can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion, making coping with the grieving process even more challenging.
Alienation from support systems:
The isolation that can accompany the bargaining stage might cause individuals to withdraw from their support systems. Grief can be vulnerable and lonely; they might miss out on support, understanding. And compassion that friends, family, or support groups can provide.
Lack of emotional growth:
When grieving individuals avoid progressing through grief and reaching acceptance, it can hinder emotional growth and development. The grieving process can lead to personal growth, resilience, and a deeper comprehension of oneself and others. Staying stagnant in the bargaining stage may impede this emotional growth and healing.
Interference with future relationships:
If an individual remains stuck in the bargaining stage, it may affect their ability to form healthy and meaningful relationships in the future. Unresolved grief can influence emotional availability, trust, and the ability to fully engage in new relationships. Addressing and processing grief can help individuals find closure and emotional freedom to create meaningful connections moving forward.
How can you help someone get through the bargaining stage?
The bargaining stage can be challenging for individuals experiencing grief as they grapple with feelings of hope and desperation to reverse the loss they have endured. As a supportive friend, family member, or caregiver, there are several ways you can assist someone during this stage to promote healing and progress toward acceptance.
- Active listening and empathy
- Validate their feelings
- Encourage expressive writing
- Provide gentle reality checks
- Be patient and non-judgmental
- Encourage professional support
- Promote self-care
- Respect their coping mechanism
- Offer reminders of support
Active listening and empathy:
Be a compassionate listener and allow the grieving person to express their emotions openly. Offer empathy and understanding without judgment, creating a safe space for them to share their thoughts, fears, and hopes.
Validate their feelings:
Acknowledge and validate the emotions the person is experiencing during the bargaining stage. Recognize that their feelings of hope, guilt, or self-blame are a natural part of the grieving process and that it is okay to have these emotions.
Encourage expressive writing:
Suggest writing as a therapeutic outlet. Encourage the person to keep a journal where they can write about their contemplations, feelings, and reflections on the loss and the bargaining process. Writing can be a helpful aid for processing emotions.
Provide gentle reality checks:
While it’s essential to be understanding, gently offer reality checks when needed. Help the person understand that while bargaining is a natural response to grief, some outcomes are beyond their control, and it’s okay to let go of unrealistic expectations.
Be patient and non-judgmental:
Understand that the grieving process is different for everyone, and there is no specific timeline for moving through the stages. Be patient and avoid placing expectations on the person’s grief journey.
Encourage professional support:
If you notice the person struggling significantly or getting stuck in the bargaining stage, gently suggest seeking professional support from grief counselors or therapists. Professional help can provide specialized guidance and coping strategies.
Promote self-care:
Encourage the grieving individual to take care of their physical and emotional well-being. Self-care activities like exercise, meditation, leisure time in nature, or hobbies can provide much-needed relief during difficult times.
Respect their coping mechanisms:
Everyone copes with grief differently, and some individuals may lean on various coping mechanisms during the bargaining stage. As long as these coping mechanisms are not harmful, respect their choices and provide non-judgmental support.
Offer reminders of support:
Let the person know you are there for them, even if they don’t want to discuss their grief. A simple text, call, or a hug can remind them that they are not alone during this challenging time.
Conclusion:
Grief is a deeply personal and natural emotional response to loss. The bargaining stage, one of the phases within the grieving process, presents individuals with unique challenges as they attempt to negotiate with a higher power or seek ways to undo or alter their loss. This stage is characterized by a mix of hope, guilt, and self-reflection as individuals try to come to terms with their substitute reality.
Understanding the signs and dangers of the bargaining stage can help us better support those grieving. Active listening, empathy, and validation of their feelings are crucial in providing a safe space for individuals to express themselves. Encouraging healthy coping mechanisms, promoting self-care, and gently offering reality checks can help guide them through this challenging phase.
