A silent treatment can be a sign of deeper relationship issues. It may seem convenient to opt out of a conversation that is bothering you, but it could be super unhealthy. Cold shoulder could be a subtle form of manipulation. We will guide you on what silent treatment means in a relationship.
The silent treatment is a refusal to communicate verbally with the other person or even acknowledge another person’s presence. The refusal to engage in conversation is a control tactic to exert power in a relationship. The silent treatment is toxic, abusive and unhealthy.
Sometimes, the silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising. According to research ignoring or excluding behaviour will activate the same area of the brain started by physical pain. On the other hand, it could be taking a timeout to think things through and address the issue letters after addressing the issue later as things get calmer.
Withholding or the silent treatment people use to punish and regain control of a person. For the time being, it is good to ignore your partner when you feel slighted, but it keeps you from finding real situations and problems.
If not checked in time, the silent treatment becomes a pattern of behaviour and emotional abuse we used to manipulate over time. It is a standard tool used during conflict within many relationship types to inflict pain. It involves refusing to communicate with someone who is quite willing to speak.
Freezing someone out, giving the cold shoulder or shunning someone out could be a silent treatment that is an inadequate response. No response or a silent treatment is notorious or abused, but we can see it worldwide in all cultures and relationships.
Most of us are well aware of the idea of the silent treatment, as they are either recipients, perpetrators or both at the same point. It is undoubtedly painful for the recipient, and being a subtle form of abuse is difficult to handle.
It happens when one partner pressures the other with requests, criticism and complaints, but the other responds with silence and emotional distance. It tremendously damages a relationship as it decreases both partners’ satisfaction and diminishes the feelings of intimacy and capacity for healthy communication.
Regardless of the internet and various innovative ways of communication, silent behaviour is a form of abuse that can also have emotional, psychological, and physical effects. The silent treatment turns into abusive behaviour for various reasons.
Table of Contents
To control another person’s behaviour
Silent behaviour is used to force the other person to change their behaviour. Being social animals, humans react to positive and negative interactions. Communication is purposefully withdrawn and makes other people seek ways to restore it. It can cause other people to apologise for the things they have never even done and perform tasks that are not their responsibility to make the silent treatment end.
Manipulation of emotions
The reactions of people around us influence every one of self-worth and validation. Approval makes people happy, and disapproval makes them ashamed of what we want to change. When someone you care about gives you the silent treatment, it causes emotional trauma that is a kind of emotional abuse.
Threat to self-esteem
Cold shoulder by the person you love most can make you doubt yourself and feel devalued and unworthy of love and respect. Unkind behaviour of acknowledgement will make someone challenge the validity of their existence and could even be devastating to your self-esteem.
Depression
Silent treatment is such a pathetic behaviour that creates isolation, leading to loneliness and, eventually, depression.
Physical response and side effects
The silent treatment stimulates the anterior cingulate cortex, the brain’s area that registers pain. So it is not only about emotional pain, but it can create a certain level of physical pain.
It can cause damaging physical effects with physical responses such as weight changes, rising blood pressure, sleep disturbance etc.
Demand-withdraw pattern
Both individuals in the relationship are locked in the demand withdrawal pattern; the damage could be emotional and physiological. Damages may include anxiety and aggression, as well as erectile dysfunction along with urinary and bowel problems. This pattern is a big problem; we can not blame any partner.
Instead of adopting silent behaviour, use this time to cool down after heated arguments or complicated exchanges. Make it a habit that if you can not talk now, talk about it later instead of not talking, as silent treatment could be dangerous in the long run and damage the relationship badly.
How to know when it’s abusive?
To deal with it, one must know how to win the silent treatment, and it is essential to recognize when it becomes abusive. Sometimes, it is better to go silent to avoid saying things that could be regrettable. But most people use this behaviour when they do not know how to express themselves or feel overwhelmed.
Many people use the silent treatment as a tool for exerting power over some other individual to create some emotional distance. Such people can give you the cold shoulder for days or weeks to achieve their goals.
It is challenging to deal with such treatment, so you must do everything possible to attain their attention. It will damage you well and could be more intense when it is done by someone close to you as a form of punishment.
Some signs suggest the silent treatment that takes you into an emotional abuse state. For instance:
- Frequent occurrence and lasting for more extended periods.
- The purpose of this behaviour is a place of punishment, not the need to cool off.
- This behaviour ends when you apologise, plead, or give in to your demands.
- It would help if you changed your behaviour to avoid silent treatment.
How to win the silent treatment?
- Take gentle approach
- Make it about you
- Give an ignoring attitude
- Offer solutions
- Take a stand for yourself
Take gentle approach
It may not be a regular habit, so a soft look at this behaviour may make you start a conversation, as they may be in a hurting zone and looking for a way out. With patience and calmness, you can ask the person why they are not responding and emphasise resolving things between you guys.
Although it is not your fault if someone else decides to give you the silent treatment, you must apologise if you have done something wrong. Refrain from making a fuss, and provide your partner with time alone if they are not responding well. And try to arrange some time together to resolve the problem.
Make it about you
Tell the person how silent treatment hurts and makes him depressed and alone. A clear conversation is what you want or need in a relationship. Explain your concerns, be specific about your issues, and tell them if you can not stand such behaviour with a clear head.
Give an ignoring attitude
Sometimes a silent treatment could be a passive-aggressive approach that one adopts to keep the other person under control. They make you feel bad enough to make the first move and give in to your demands.
Try to distract yourself by getting busy with other stuff, such as reading a good book or shopping. Please do not fall prey to your partner’s trap, and do not react the way they want.
Offer solutions
Try to figure out some better solutions that will help you better communicate in future. Learn never to lose respect when things get heated and even avoid the silent treatment. Communicate better while making each other understand each other’s expectations.
Take a stand for yourself
If it involves emotional abuse, you are not in a healthy relationship, so never forget to put yourself first. Learn to set boundaries for acceptable behaviour and how you want to be treated. Try to figure out your communication and relationship issues. State your limits precisely and explain the consequences as well.
What should one not do in response to silent treatment?
When we talk about the reaction to the silent treatment, there are a few things that we suggest you avoid.
- One must not respond in anger as it can escalate things.
- Begging or pleading will encourage this behaviour.
- Apologising without doing anything wrong.
- Repeat on reasoning regardless of fruitful tries
- Please don’t take it personally or blame yourself for the treatment of other people
- Threatening to end the relationship unless you are prepared for it.
Why do guys give silent treatment?
Silent treatment does not have uniform ways or have the same reasons; however, it could be a response to any conflict or hurt. At a social and psychological level, for men withdrawing is a perspective mechanism due to fear of being hurt. Such treatment lies in the dynamic environment in the early stages of communities, schools or families as men are taught not to talk about their feelings and emotional language.
Conflict avoidance
People with a passive approach to the potential conflict have silent treatment to avoid any uncomfortable situation directly.
It’s not logical, and it is emotional
Men usually do not talk about their stress, unhappiness, anxieties, disappointments, and other negative feelings. They typically feel frustrated or angry due to such irritable feelings. Sometimes, they are fearful of disrespecting and hurting the person they love. Silence is an attempt to protect their relationship from further damage.
Punishment
Any person with an aggressive personality will use the silent treatment as punishment by withdrawing communication.
Damage
There are certain feelings of confusion and anxiety when the partner experiences silence and withdrawal from the partner. This behaviour makes people feel left guessing about their partners, assuming the worst and feeling rejected.
Selective topic avoidance
Typically, people can not deal with overwhelmed feelings, so they discard the topic by giving silent treatment when they do not want to talk about it.
To end someone’s behaviour
Some guys adopt silent treatment to end other people’s behaviour, such as ending heated arguments. They assume tight-lipped police unless their partner calms down for a rational conversation.
Secondly, there could be a reason that the guy does not like the way the other person is talking, so they try to stop their weird behaviour. Guys adopt silent behaviour if they feel some unapproved behaviour or feel uncomfortable around them.
To cause pain
There is no question that some guys use silent treatment to hurt other people. In reaction to the roller coaster of emotions of their partner, they might choose to minimise their feelings to cause pain to them.
Feeling ignored is extremely painful, and that fills the individual with self-doubt. It makes the partner feel like they are not worthy of attention. They usually struggle with self-esteem issues and take away your ability to talk about a particular subject.
Your partner is shutting you down as he has power. Some deliberately do it as they actively want to hurt their partners. This situation can quickly become abusive.
Hurt feelings
Some individuals do not want to hurt their partners and may be looking to protect their feelings. If the conversation creates emotional damage, some people want to quit it as they do not want to experience the pain any longer.
They do not want to experience the pain any longer. If you are suffering from emotional distress, your brain may try to pull you away. The people who lean towards fighting will prolong the conversation to argue their viewpoint. And those who do not get stuck into tangled stuff want to end the conversation early to protect their peace of mind.
Girls usually think their partner is demanding, un fleeing, and do not deeply feel things. Guys, too, feel emotions as strongly as women. Guys are too hurt when they do not know how to behave in this situation. They treat their partners silently because he does not know how to handle their hurt feelings.
Inability to talk about feelings
The guys find it difficult to talk about their feelings, as many are unsure how to talk about them. They might be prey to toxic masculinity; to prove themselves as real men, they must follow some code that makes it difficult for them to express their feelings.
During the argument, your partner may be looking to open up but must talk about their feelings. They can shut down as they are not sure about their feelings. They may feel uncomfortable discussing a particular problem as they need to learn how to discuss it.
To cool down
Some people need some time to cool down. When a conversation gets heated and full of aggression, it is not a good time to continue. It could be devastating and destructive to resume talks at this stage.
During an argument between a man and a woman, men are typically stronger than women. If a man cannot stay calm, he may not act rationally, and even he can get physical with her.
Rather than losing rationality and becoming physical, they choose silent treatment. They may drop themselves from a heated argument and take time to let the emotions cool off. This behaviour can give you time to deal with the issue with a cooler and more rational head.
Put an end to the conversation
One main reason for the silent treatment is to end the conversation, which could be several reasons. They feel that the discussion could solve the problem, so they decide to give time to a specific situation and try again later.
The silent treatment will make both partners sit back with their thoughts and feelings for some time. But sometimes, this can make their partner blow up, grow even angrier with them, and cause more troubling arguments later. Essentially, this behaviour is to end the conversation as they feel they are not getting anything from it.
To minimise the other person’s feelings or words
Some guys give their partners silent treatment to minimise them because if the partner comes to them feeling neglected, they will ignore it even more. To overlook the partner to make them think that their feelings are not valid.
They try to minimise the issue by adopting silence about it and forcing the partner to think that their feelings are so obnoxious that they do not need a conversation. By showing this, they want their partner to feel small.
Try to get attention
Some guys use this treatment to show their importance and make their partner pay attention to them. If they feel their partner is neglecting them, they will withhold their attention, and their partner finally contacts them to see whether they are okay.
Hence, it could be a tool to gain attention, and it again connects to toxic masculinity. The individual might miss his partner but does not show himself as weak or clingy, so he adopts silent treatment to achieve what he wants without any emotional vulnerability.
Control the situation
Through silent treatment, various people want to control the situation, and nothing else can make it keep going. It could be an authentic way to manage their partner. If they do not like the way their partner is talking to them, they won’t engage in conversation with their partners.
Such behaviour will make their partners feel as if they are at fault and apologise for nothing.
Tired or busy
People could be too tired or busy to handle the conversation, as, during an exhausting routine, they do not have the energy to get into it. So, they ignore their partner for some time. Men usually deal with financial stuff and could be busy at work or running other errands. Some guys unintentionally give the silent treatment because they are tired or busy.
How to respond to the silent treatment?
Although silent treatment is not a productive way to deal with disagreement, people still use it. Clear and direct communication is essential for healthy relationships and for helpfully resolving conflicts. A withdrawal behaviour can cause negative emotions, including anger and distress, with lower self-esteem.
Reacting to the silent treatment certainly will not improve your behaviour, and work on ways to learn how to win the silent treatment. It is a kind of abuse; this way, one can make their partner feel guilty and blame them for nothing. Some people use it to manipulate or pressure them to change their behaviour.
It is the behaviour one can not face with juvenile reactions, but still, try to keep yourself calm and recognize that you can’t manage words or emotions properly. If you feel that silent treatment is not any larger pattern of abuse, you can try various approaches to respond to it.
Name the situation
Acknowledge that the other person is using the silent treatment and talk to them about it. This gesture will illustrate the bonding of two people and how they engage effectively.
Look for the reasons behind the silent treatment
Sometimes people can not comfortably express themselves, especially when it comes to negative emotions like anger and grief. They might be afraid of your reaction as well.
On the other hand, serial emotional abusers do not care if they hurt you with your silent treatment. They need the power that silence gives them, the ability to compel them for the things they want. They want you to feel guilty and desperately try to get back into their good graces.
So, make sure to figure out the reasons compelling your partner to behave like this, then respond to it. Calmly communicate with the next person, and let them know how it feels. If they act defensively with lacking empathy, then know well that you are dealing with a toxic personality.
The psychology behind the silent treatment
After getting emotional damage by silent treatment, give them information about silent treatment. Discuss the effects of silent treatment on trust and intimacy in your relationship. This behaviour is hostile, and communication withdrawal could be excruciating and unkind.
Acknowledge the other person’s feelings
Ask the other person to share their feelings, and do share yours. It paves the way for an open conversation, do not go into problem-solving mode. Stay mentally present while talking about the problem, and listen to your partner empathically; however, if a person responds in a threatening or abusive way unless they calm down.
Apologise for your words or actions
A person should not apologise for another person’s use of silent treatment, as it is their partner’s choice. But you may apologise if you have said something wrong that may have hurt their feelings.
Avoid reacting to silent abuse
The silent treatment hurts, and it is tough not to react. But one must not show any reaction and show that this kind of abuse does not affect you, even if you suffer. This way, you can make them feel failed if they have adopted this behaviour to get a particular reaction out of you.
This no-reaction treatment will make you refuse to play into their hands, and they will never try to get into the game next time. If you feel they are ignoring you, you try not to bother them and occupy yourself with other things.
Respond with kindness and calmness
During a silent treatment relationship, you have to confront your partner at some point. Please take a deep breath, clear your head and take the initiative to talk comfortably; whether your partner resists it, make it happen.
Break the ice and start with a positive and factual statement. Calmly state the hurtful tactics they are using to disturb you. Use an “I” statement to express your feelings rather than putting all the blame on your partner or criticising him.
State your boundaries clearly
If you feel that silent treatment is becoming a toxic thing for you, end it right away. State your boundaries and consequences clearly before you decide to end things. Clear your partner explicitly that you can not stand manipulative behavior. Tell them not to insist on silent treatment as it can damage something in the long run.
How long should the silent treatment last?
Silent treatment is the most established pattern of conflict in any relationship, as people think it is effective. It is a challenging pattern as none want to take the blame, and they get locked in this pattern. Both partners see each other as a problem and complain about each other.
This treatment should be brief, and one must distinguish it from taking time to cool down after any problematic exchange. I was hoping you would not get into silent treatment; instead, say that I can not talk to you right now, but we will talk about it later.
Why is the silent treatment so effective? Because it works as a weapon of choice and could have drastic consequences. It inflicts pain without any physical mark. It tremendously damages a relationship as it affects one emotionally and physiologically.
Conclusion
The silent treatment becomes a pattern of behaviour and emotional abuse used to manipulate over time. Silence in men could be an attempt to solve problems in their relationship. However, at its extreme, they use silence to punish and manipulate.
When given a safe place and plenty of opportunity to talk, they will open up about their feelings. This way, he will feel less panicked and avoid the silent treatment. It could be a helpful tool for the relationship and gives a chance to the partners to reconcile but make sure it should be quiet, not mental violence, and comes up with positive results.
After knowing, What the silent treatment means in a relationship, one must understand that it is something one can use for good or evil purposes. Figure the goal and be brief to show you are unhappy with them.
