Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD is an illness that makes a person unable to have control over their emotions. This mental illness can have a huge impact on the relationship of the people who have BPD. Follow this article to explore borderline personality disorder relationship cycle and some tips for someone who’s dating a person with BPD.
Borderline personality disorder which is also known as BPD is a type of a mental illness which can make its patients more impulsive. A person who is suffering from BPD will face irregularity in their emotions. This emotional imbalance can cause them to have unstable relationships. A person with BPD will have no control over their emotions which can cause severe mood swings and sometimes they might act impulsive. They will feel every emotion at an extreme level.
Their mood swings and inability to control their emotions can give them a hard time during a relationship. Every person faces some problems when they are in a relationship but a person who is suffering from BPD will face more problems. Their partners will feel neglected and they will constantly walk on eggshells around you. There is a possibility that during an extreme emotional episode the person with BPD might obtain physical abuse with their partner.
Follow this article to learn more about the borderline personality disorder relationship cycle and some tips for someone who’s dating a person with BPD.
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What is Borderline Personality Disorder – BPD?
Living with borderline personality disorder is like being on a roller coaster of emotions. You have no control over it and you don’t know how fast you are going to go, you are just going up and down. You cannot control yourself and your emotions. You feel as if you are stuck in a whirlwind of emotions. Whenever you feel something it’s either extreme or you just completely have no regard for it. All of this will cause huge difficulty for you and your relationships.
People who are suffering from BPD have more sensitive personalities than others. Most of the time they don’t even know their triggers. They will feel extreme anger in one second and at the very next second they will feel the need to be loved. This sudden change in their emotions and mood will confuse their partner a lot. It is not easy being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from BPD.
A person who is going through BPD can also harm themselves. Their mood swings and irregularity in their emotions can make them depressed, stressed, and anxious. During their extreme anger episode they might physically, emotionally, or sexually hurt their partner. The overflowing emotions can make the patient act in a dangerous way. They will feel guilty and ashamed after they have calmed themselves down but it might be too late for any apology or guilt.
What are the symptoms of borderline personality disorder?
According to healthcare experts there are many signs of borderline personality disorder and they vary from person to person. But they have narrowed it down to the following main symptoms:
- Unstable relationships
- Abandonment issues
- Blur self image
- Impulsive behavior
- Mood swings
- Anger issues
- Suicidal thoughts
- Feelings of emptiness
Unstable relationships:
A person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will have a hard time having a stable and healthy relationship. The constant mood swings and emotional instability can affect their relationship the most. Their extreme reaction to anything can cause them to act destructive and abusive towards their partner. Their partner will always walk on eggshells, they will have no idea what can trigger them. There is a possibility that they will have an on and off relationship because of their borderline personality disorder.
Abandonment issues:
A person who is battling borderline personality disorder will have this constant fear that people are going to leave him/her. They will keep on focusing on all the negative aspects of their relationship. Due to this fear a person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will isolate themselves. Their fear of abandonment will make it hard for them to trust someone because they have this deep rooted fear of rejection and avoidance.
Blur self image:
Any person who is going through borderline personality disorder will always be on an emotional roller coaster. Their emotions will go up and down in seconds. That being said, their self image will appear very blurry to them. They will have a hard time deciding their careers, goals, or taking a decision about their relationship. According to research, they might even sabotage their own success. For example, they might do something wrong on purpose to get themselves fired.
Impulsive behavior:
Borderline personality disorder can take over in different episodes. Happy, excited, sad, angry, or fearful. They will feel every emotion at its extreme. This episode of extreme emotions can sometimes cause them to be destructive especially if they are angry. They will act impulsively and might hurt themselves or those who are around them. This hurting can be emotionally, physically, and sexually. After everything is over, they will feel guilty and apologize to you over and over again but it might get too late.
Mood swings:
Someone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will face extreme mood swings. One minute they will be happy and the very next minute they will be extremely angry. Their anger episodes can be extremely destructive and upsetting even for people near them. A person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will experience every emotion at its highest form and their emotions can change frequently making them and their partner frustrated.
Anger issues:
A normal person having anger issues might be able to control their emotions according to the situation but a person who is going through borderline personality disorder will not be able to control their anger. They will get extremely angry even at the slightest mishap which can cause people around them to walk on eggshells. Their anger issues can also lead to self harm and they might obtain violence against their partner.
Suicidal thoughts:
Having suicidal thoughts or thinking about self harm is one of the major signs of borderline personality disorder. When a person is triggered by an event or location they will become depressed and that depression can often lead to self harm. People who are suffering from borderline personality disorder might choose self harm when they think they are being abandoned or neglected.
Feelings of emptiness:
A person who is battling borderline personality disorder will always compare themselves with others. They will keep on thinking that whatever they have is not good enough. This will lead to feelings of emptiness. They will feel that their accomplishments are nothing compared to their friends or family members. To avoid feeling that they will isolate themselves from the rest of the world and start living in a shell thus giving birth to more insecurities.
What is a borderline personality disorder relationship cycle?
Relationships are very delicate in the start. It takes time for a person to completely trust someone and be comfortable around them. There are always stages in a relationship that people cross one at a time. But for a person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder these stages are different and more complex than others. Relationships for them are like a cycle. They will come back to the starting point eventually. The relationship cycle of a person who is going through borderline personality disorder is as follows.
- Attraction
- Obsession
- Withdrawing and withholding
- Devaluation
- Break up
- Return and repair
- The cycle goes on
Attraction:
Just like every other relationship, the relationship of a borderline personality also starts from attraction. But they might feel this attraction more strongly than any normal person. They will feel as if they have finally found their soulmate and nothing or no one can change that now. They might start acting to get their attention and once their attention is on them, they won’t like to share it with anyone.
Obsession:
The second step of their relationship cycle is obsession. A person who feels everything at extreme their attraction will soon turn into obsession. They will get too attached to them and will always seek their approval. They will have this constant need to be around them at all times. All of this might make the other person uncomfortable because everyone needs space at the beginning of a relationship but a BPD patient will be completely obsessed by them at this point of the time.
Withdrawing and withholding:
A person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will have immense mood swings and because of this reason they will have an unstable relationship. They will keep on going on and off with their partner. When they feel as if the partner is not putting up with their set standards then they will end their relationship only to realize that they love them and want them back.
Devaluation:
Anyone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder will face extreme emotional episodes. These episodes will present extreme emotions which might cause them to be destructive. If a person is in a relationship with a borderline personality then, they will experience some emotional abuse and devaluation that might come during their emotional episodes. This devaluation will lead to the next step in the relationship cycle which is break up.
Break up:
It is not easy being in a relationship with a borderline personality. You don’t know when something might trigger their anger and they start fighting with you again. You feel anxious around them which can lead you to break your relationship with them. But this break up will only trigger their borderline personality as their fear of abandonment will come true.
Return and repair:
A person who is living with a borderline personality disorder will want their partners back and most of the time they get back together because the other person also loves them. But this will only mean that their relationship is now back to square one and the whole cycle will now repeat. The partner might break up again realizing that they are still as needy and obsessive as they were before.
The cycle goes on:
As soon as the couple is back together the entire cycle will repeat itself. The person who has a borderline personality will manipulate their partner into staying to avoid their fear of rejection and abandonment. A borderline personality will never have a stable relationship because of the up and down in their emotions.
What are some of the tips for someone who’s dating a person with BPD?
It is not easy being in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality disorder. Your relationship will not be a normal one and your partner will have many triggers that you have to understand. Here are some tips for if you are dating a person with BPD.
- Accept that you can’t change your partner
- You can only control yourself
- Focus on the positive
- Don’t take anything personally
- Set healthy emotional boundaries
- Learn to say no
- Start asking for what you want
- Don’t explain everything
- Break the superior/inferior game
- Stop taking blame
- Self care
- Enjoy some time alone
- Remember that your partner may have been abused
- One step at a time
Accept that you can’t change your partner:
This tip is not just for someone who’s dating a borderline personality but for everyone. You have to realize that you cannot change your partner. Iof you do that, you won’t have the same person with whom you fell in love. You have to accept your partner with all of their imperfections because those imperfections make them more humane.
You can only control yourself:
You have to realize that you cannot control your partner, it is not possible. A healthy relationship is not something in which one person gets to dominate the other. You must respect your partner and communicate with them in a healthy manner.
Focus on the positive:
Being in a relationship with someone who has a borderline personality is not easy. Time and again your patience will be tested. But it is during those hard times you have to hold on to your partner’s positive things. When things get a little shaky then you must remember all the good times that you have spent together.
Don’t take anything personally:
When you are in a relationship with a person who has borderline personality then there is one thing you must remember is that you don’t have to take everything personally. During one of the emotional episodes your BPD partner might say something they don’t mean which will of course hurt you but you should let it go if you don’t want to drag your fight.
Set healthy emotional boundaries:
It is important for you to have boundaries in a relationship. It is a sign of a healthy and stable relationship. You set some boundaries between you and your partner but that does not mean you have to isolate yourself. This might put your relationship into jeopardy. Setting up boundaries will let your partner know that there are some things where the line is drawn and you are not entitled to share everything with them.
Learn to say no:
When you are in a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder then you might find yourself saying yes a lot more than necessary. You have to understand that you are their partner and not their caretaker. You don’t have to say yes to everything that comes out of their mouth. You have your own opinions and you are allowed to voice them.
Start asking for what you want:
A person with borderline personality will most of the time seek your approval and do as you say because they are scared that you might leave them. To avoid that you must start asking them what they want. Encourage them to voice their opinions in a situation like this. This will make your relationship more stable.
Don’t explain everything:
You don’t have to explain everything to them. You are their partner and equal, not their caretaker. You don’t have to justify each and everything that you do. This is not a sign of a healthy and stable relationship.
Break the superior/inferior game:
Make them realize that neither you are superior to them nor inferior to them. You are their partner and their equal. Both of you are in this relationship together. They don’t have to constantly seek your approval for everything and you don’t have to say yes everytime they want something. Both of you should compromise and live peacefully.
Stop taking blame:
Not everything is your fault and you don’t have to apologize for something you didn’t even do. Create the dialogue, sit on a table, and discuss the situation that’s causing a rift between you two. Talk about it and make them realize that it was not your mistake so you are not going to apologize for anything.
Self care:
When you are dating someone with a borderline personality you will be extra careful about them. Keeping in mind that if their BPD is triggered then it can cause a negative impact on their mental and physical health. But you have to realize that taking care of yourself is also equally important. You cannot be a second option for your own self. If you are healthy only then you will be able to care for your partner.
Enjoy some time alone:
You are also human and you deserve to feel relaxed from all the stress your work and relationship is causing you. Take some time out for yourself, don’t think about anything, and enjoy your own company. Go for a walk or go to a salon and pamper yourself. This will help you feel more relaxed and stress-free.
Remember that your partner may have been abused:
When you are in a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder you have to realize that their BPD may be a result of them being abused in their childhood or in their teenage. You have to be careful with them as their BPD might get triggered easily.
One step at a time:
You don’t have to rush yourself or your partner. Take one step at a time. Give some space to yourself and to your partner. This will create a strong foundation for your relationship. Have trust in your partner and in yourself. Don’t think too much and just go with the flow.
Conclusion:
It is not easy being in a relationship with someone who is suffering from borderline personality disorder. You are constantly walking on eggshells and if your relationship is new then, you might do something that can trigger their borderline personality. A person who has a borderline personality will have emotional instability. They will be sad one second and happy in the other second.
The relationship between you and a borderline personality will be unstable. You will be on and off with your partner. The relationship will be like a cycle, you will stop from where you started. Because of the emotional instability and destructive nature of your partner you might call your relationship off several times before you finally put an end to it. But if you are willing to work on your relationship then, you should follow the tips for dating someone with borderline personality disorder.
