Most of the time, hurtful things are said when a person is dealing with frustration. It is pretty unusual if you have never been angry and said some hurtful things which you clearly did not mean to your partner in a long-term relationship. Follow this article to learn about how to remain calm when your spouse says hurtful things and what should you consider if you want to forgive your spouse for saying hurtful things?
A relationship can be rocky, it has its ups and downs. Everyone can say things that they do not mean when they are angry or frustrated about something. You have to understand that this is not their nature and they have never acted this way then, there must be something on their mind which drove them to act in this way. Understand that sometimes when a person is angry, it is best for the other person to take a step back and give them some space so they can cool down.
Things will never work out if both the spouses start a screaming match and blame each other. If the other person is already angry at something then, you should let them figure things out on their own and give them some space. This is like an unspoken communication between you two, you understand your spouse better than anyone else in the world. They will talk to you when they feel alright.
Follow this article to learn about how to remain calm when your spouse says hurtful things and what should you consider if you want to forgive your spouse for saying hurtful things?
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How to remain calm when your spouse says hurtful things?
It is natural that you will be affected when your spouse says hurtful things and you might take a moment to understand what just happened but it is necessary for you to understand that they might be having a hard day and all of their pent up frustration just came out. You will feel angry but you have to stay calm because if you lash out on them then, the fight is just going to get prolonged. Following are some tips on how to remain calm when your spouse says hurtful things.
- Take a minute
- Do not react immediately
- You can be upset
- Address the issue promptly
- Keep the past behind you
- Communicate with them
- Think from their point of view
- Mind your actions
- Let them know about your feelings
- Consider your bond
- Engage yourself in something else
- Give them space
- Talk to a friend
- Do not internalize it
- Examine what triggered the outburst
- Seek a professional’s opinion
- Do not bring your children into it
- Take all the time you need to heal
- Forgive and but never forget
Take a minute:
Before you respond, take a minute and reevaluate the whole situation. Take a moment to not just understand what happened but also to process your thoughts. This will give you some time to collect your thoughts and feelings. It is not necessary to react almost immediately. Take a minute and breathe.
Do not react immediately:
Collect your thoughts and never lash out on your spouse in reaction. This will only make matters worse. If your spouse is angry and saying hurtful things in his/her anger then, you must understand that reacting immediately is only going to fuel the fire. Take a step back and give them some space. This will prevent any big fight between you two.
You can be upset:
Taking a step back does not mean that you cannot feel upset with your spouse. It is natural to be upset in this situation, you are a human who is allowed to feel different emotions. Giving them space does not mean that one must forget everything in the next moment. You are just waiting for them to cool down so you can talk to them about this situation.
Address the issue promptly:
Wait for the right moment. Seeking answers immediately is not the right thing to do. Address the issue promptly when your spouse has calmed down, this way you will be able to deal with the situation more maturely. Delay the issue or address it when the time is right.
Keep the past behind you:
If you want to move on from the incident then, you must move on. If you keep dragging your fight then, nothing good is going to come out of it. So if you want to continue your relationship with your spouse then, you must ignore these things and move on. Bottling them up is only going to put a crack on your relationship.
Communicate with them:
Always remember that communication is the key, if you have any problem with your spouse then, talk to them and communicate with them. Share your feelings with them. Listen to what they have to say and tell them how you felt when they said those hurtful things. This will help both of you to get over your problems as soon as possible.
Think from their point of view:
Whenever you are upset over something, you always want to talk to someone who understands you. So when your spouse is angry and frustrated and they are venting it out then, you have to understand things from their point of view as well. Think deeply about the trigger of their outburst, maybe they are dealing with something from work or they are worried about their finances. You have to consider every other element when evaluating the situation.
Mind your actions:
Do not lose your focus and do not get physical with your spouse. It is understandable that you are hurt because of their words but getting physical with them is never an option. Always keep your anger in check, if you think that you are having a hard time controlling your anger because of what your spouse just said then, get away from there and go out to get some fresh air. This will help you calm down.
Let them know about your feelings:
It is obvious that you will feel angry and hurt because of all the hurtful things your spouse has said to you, but reacting immediately is only going to make matters worse. Take some time and then, talk to them. Listen to what they have to say but most importantly share your feelings with them. Tell them how you felt in the moment and how you are feeling right now. This will help both of you to realize your mistakes and move on from the incident.
Consider your bond:
When anything like this is happening, always go back in time and think has your spouse ever reacted this way to anything. Consider your relationship before you make a decision. Take all the time you need for your relationship and then decide what you want.
Engage yourself in something else:
Get away from the situation as soon as you can because the longer you stand there, the more you are going to get hurt. Engage yourself in something else, keep yourself busy with anything that is going to help you take your mind off. This will calm you down and you will start getting normal, you will be able to evaluate the situation more maturely.
Give them space:
The most important thing that you can do in a situation like this is to give your spouse the much needed space. Let them cool down and then, you can talk to them in detail about the whole situation. This will give time to both of you so you can think clearly about the entire situation before making any sort of decision.
Talk to a friend:
In a situation like this, getting a second opinion can help a lot. When you have no idea about what you should do and how you should react then, talking to a friend can be extremely helpful. They will listen to you and after talking to them you will feel light and fresh.
Do not internalize it:
No matter how bad the situation gets, do not internalize anything. Never let anything get to you. This will help you move on from the situation. If you take those words to your heart then, you will constantly beat yourself. This is not good for your mental and emotional health. You are allowed to feel hurt if your spouse says something to you but do not let those words affect you. Give yourself some space and time. Everything will work out eventually.
Examine what triggered the outburst:
Never react immediately. Examine what triggered the outburst, understand that your spouse is not acting like this without any reason. Wait for them to calm down so you can talk to them directly. Be patient with them and understand things from their point of view. Never make any conclusion without knowing the actual issue, if you do not think maturely then, your relationship might suffer more.
Seek a professional’s opinion:
Most of the time getting help from a professional therapist can really help you and your relationship. A professional will critically examine each and every aspect of your relationship and then, they will share their results with you. They will give you some pointers regarding the betterment of your relationship. Getting help from a professional is the best thing you can do to save your relationship.
Do not bring your children into it:
If you have children together then, the most important thing that you must remember is to keep your children out of your argument. Send them to their room and never criticize each other in front of them. This will negatively affect their upbringing. In the long run, children might do the same thing because according to them this is pretty normal.
Take all the time you need to heal:
You cannot just come back after taking a walk and expect everything to be fine, your spouse said some hurtful things and rightfully so you are upset. You can take all the time that you need to get over this situation. You are a human and not a robot, you cannot just push a button and reset everything. Take your time and do not be too hard on yourself.
Forgive but never forget:
Forgiveness is important if you want to move forward in your relationship. But you must never forget. If you completely forget about that incident then, there is a chance that your spouse will think that it is easy for them because eventually you will always forgive them no matter what they do. To avoid something like that, forgive but never forget what that situation taught you.
What should you consider if you want to forgive your spouse for saying hurtful things?
It is not easy to forget everything and move on as if nothing really happened. It is not easy to let go of the hurtful words that your spouse said to you when they were angry or frustrated. You do not make the decision of moving on from the incident all of a sudden, you consider a lot of things before you make a decision. Following are the things you should consider if you want to forgive your spouse for saying hurtful things.
- They take responsibility
- They are open for communication
- They learned from what happened
- Their actions speak louder than their words
- They keep their actions in check
They take responsibility:
They do not blame you for anything. They take full responsibility for their actions, they did not try to turn the situation around and play the victim. This shows how much they regret their behavior and that they are willing to change. This means a lot. Otherwise, if someone is not responsible enough to apologize after they have done something wrong, they will try to turn the situation around and play the victim.
They are open for communication:
A person who is genuinely sorry about their behavior will listen to you and will encourage you to share your feelings with them. They will be open for communication with you, they will share their point of view with you and they will patiently listen to what you have to say. This shows that they are willing to change their behavior for this relationship.
They learned from what happened:
A person who is really sorry for their behavior will never repeat the same mistake again. They will try to change their behavior and work on their anger issues. They will be open to take help from a professional. This shows that they have learned their lesson and they will not repeat the same mistake again because they value this relationship.
Their actions speak louder than their words:
Most of the time, people will make promises after a fight that they will never repeat their mistakes again but end up doing the same. But when a person is genuinely sorry then, they will match their actions with their words. Their promise is one thing but keeping up that promise is a completely different thing. So understand that if your spouse is genuinely sorry about their behavior then, he/she will never repeat the same mistakes again.
They keep their actions in check:
Every person gets angry, but the most important thing is how we act when we are angry. In the past your spouse has said some hurtful things to you when they were angry, but they promised to never do that again. Now what is important is how they act when they get angry, they are human and they will feel anger and frustration, but if they are genuinely sorry about how they behaved last time then, they will keep their anger in check.
Being in a relationship is not a piece of cake, you have to face many ups and downs. But the most important thing that every person must remember is to keep their actions in check if they want their relationship to last long. Saying hurtful things to your spouse is not a good thing for you and for your relationship. No matter how frustrated or angry you were, you have no right to take it out on your spouse.
Moving on from a situation like this is never easy because those words are always running in your mind. But if you want to give your relationship a chance and you can see that your partner is sorry for how they acted then, take all the time you need to heal and get help from a professional. This will be the best thing for you and for your relationship.