It is always believed that the purest relation to ever exist is between a mother and her child. But what if I say this relation is also a myth? What if someone has a bad relationship with their mothers? What to do if you don’t like your mom? Read out to find your answers!
A mother nurtures her child in the best possible way. Most of the time moms are protective of their children and they scold them. It might generate anger in a child for a while but it disappears instantly. But what if a child hates you forever? What to do if you don’t like your mom?
Kids feel violated when they are impeded from doing what they want. If you are one of those who have been under the influence of a toxic parent, you may lose your self-worth. In addition to that, you may also start hating them. In that case it is normal if you say I don’t like my mother.
Oftentimes the hate and anger are not everlasting. You may say to your mom “ I hate you” but actually don’t mean it and later regret it. But there are possibilities that you actually mean it. There could possibly be many reasons contributing to holding you from saying I love my mother. Why does this happen and why do you have to say that “I am not close to my mother”.
Before moving to the root, we must know what causes hatred towards mothers. If this is how you feel, read further to get the hang of the root cause.
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Reasons why you might hate your mother
People develop hate for their mothers when they’re abused, mistreated, or neglected without any reason at all. This affects people’s minds and it gets hard for them to live a normal life with peace. It is a common notion that a mother can only bring you happiness but if she mistreats you it will affect your life and you might start hating her. Children will start spending time alone and will get away from their studies. It mostly happens when children get emotional or physical neglect from their parents. It is completely normal to hate your mother in these cases. Below are some reasons that contribute to the development of hatred towards your mom.
No Regards for your Boundaries
An overly controlling mother has no respect for the boundaries of their children. A mother must be aware that their notions are different from that of their children. Thus, if she is nagging about everything they do and does not respect their personal space, gear yourself up for future disrespect. You are unconsciously building your child in a way that they will be strongly against you in the future.
You are responsible for her happiness
If your mom is constantly telling you that you are ruining her mood or you have ruined her life or that she has to take care of you forcefully, that will sow the seed of hatred. Oftentimes, mothers manipulate children by talking to them about what she expects from them and how they should make her happy only. This might be good for moms in the short run but it will leave a long-term effect on the child’s mind and heart. A child is not responsible for a mother’s happiness; instead, everyone is responsible for their own happiness.
If you are reading this article then it is obvious you may have heard your mom saying “you know I will always support you in your decisions” and she always opposes you. This is her way of manipulating the child. It will leave an impact like trust issues.
Do you think you will be able to trust your mom if she always talks about her support but always does what she wants? Obviously, you cannot change your mother’s habits but what you can do is distance yourself from her and not overshare your problems. She will manipulate you with sweetness and ditch you with her actions.
If you are a mom reading this and you have the same behavior, prepare yourself because in the future your child will tell everyone that I am not close to my mother and all that because of how you treat them.
Got good grades and not getting appreciated “RED FLAG”. Got your dream job but were criticized for not becoming what your mother wants “RED FLAG ”. If you’re ignoring these red flags, I recommend you not to. If you take a stand for yourself right now, it will be better for you in the future. Someday your mother might realize the damage she caused.
She cheated on your dad
One of the major reasons for hating your mom is finding out that she has been cheating on your dad. Cheating is a common notion for men but for women it is taboo. Especially if you are a mother and your child finds out about that, it will be tremendously devastating for them. They might call you and say I love my mother but they will not mean it.
She doesn’t love you
It is possible that your mom or family hates you for many different reasons. Maybe you chose your own field of study and your siblings did what your parents wanted. Therefore you must look up for signs of whether your family cares about you or not.
Are you getting called by your very own mother or she is pulling your leg when you are doing what you want then you need to consider what you should do. However, if your mom is not like this, look for people and friends around you. Some people are incapable of doing anything in their life all because of an unappreciative and taunting parent telling you how you are never good enough to be called their child.
She wants the spotlight
It might be sexist to say that mothers should not focus on themselves but only on their children. But if your mom is making sure that she gets all the attention at the cost of letting you look like an idiot then you are dealing with a toxic parent. Sometimes mothers are insecure about their children because they get more attention. If your mom is toxic she will do most she could to throw you out of the spotlight. This happens when you are an unplanned child, a child whose father left your mum, or a child whose mum wanted to focus on her career but instead, she gave birth and her dreams are shattered.
Nothing is good enough
It is legit to say I don’t like my mother when nothing is good enough for her. Getting into business school? Mom says it is useless because she wanted you to be a doctor. But why? Because people in her family are doctors and if you are not a doctor you will be less respected? Do you see a point here? No, right. It is because it is an unnecessary myth or obligation to follow the “family legacy” instead of your own interest.
Want to go to a birthday party? Mom said no. Want to choose your favorite job? Mom said no because it is not her favorite. You are not your mom’s pet. Stop being so ignorant about the violation of your space. If you have a controlling parent, it is more likely to happen that you will face psychological issues in decision-making in the future. Too much control sometimes lead to the suicide of teens or child becoming aggressive.
No respect for your decision
One reason why you hate your mom might be that she does not respect the decisions you make for your own life. It is completely your decision to select your education, job, and partner because you have to spend your life with them, not your mom. Therefore, it is important to speak for yourself before it is too late.
Care for “what people think” instead of your happiness
If you hate your mom because she cares what people will say about your actions instead of what you need in life, then you are not at fault. Many people are being let down because of their mothers due to the choices they want to make. For instance, if you are a boy with a toxic mom and you want to be a makeup artist, you will be highly criticized. All because your first cousin is a lawyer and your brother is a doctor. What will people say if they hear about you becoming a makeup artist instead of choosing some “real profession”.
Set boundaries for you
Your mom might be highly assertive and she makes boundaries for you. She will decide what you will study, where you will study, where and what job you will do, or who you are going to date or marry. If you fail to fulfill all the demands you will be labeled as a “bad child” or maybe “spoiled”.
Your mom does not compromise on her wants but wants you to understand why she is being so arrogant or demanding.
Plays the victim
You may see your mom playing victim often when in reality you are the victim. She will violate you to an extent where you will start thinking that you are at fault.
Make fun of your problems
You are facing financial problems and you talk to your mom about that to vent out, instead of supporting she will start talking about how you are not hardworking and why you should take a job she recommends. You will eventually start keeping your distance and stop sharing because all she does is blame you and make fun of your issue.
Controlling, demanding, insecure, and not respecting boundaries all are symbols of a narcissistic person. There is a possibility that your mom is narcissistic and she wants everything to be done in her own way.
Always bring her childhood
Some people face abusive or controlling childhood and they unconsciously treat you in the same way. They will bring how their mom treated them or wish you had a mom like theirs.
Compare you with other kids
Your childhood is spent while you are being compared with other children like your cousins, siblings, or neighbor’s kid in every aspect.
How to cope with a toxic mom
If your mom has all the above traits, then she is indeed a toxic person. Living with a toxic person not only limits your growth but also your abilities and affects your mental health. However, if you are eager to get out of this you must start acting right now. You should not be worrying about what to do if you don’t like your mom, instead focus on your growth in a respectful way. Below are some ways in which you can cope with your toxic mom.
Everyone has the right to have their own space. If you find your parents or any other acting invasive, make sure to take action as soon as possible. Set the boundaries and limit their interference. Make your own decisions and make sure no one dictates you what you should be doing.
Limit your contact
Limit your contact with your mom. In this way, she will not be able to lower your self-esteem or cause you any kind of mental stress. Moreover, it will allow you to think more openly about your ways and opinions.
Do not share your issues
When we say limit your contact it means talk less often about fewer things for less time. The longer the conversations and meetups, the more will be the problems and more will be the judgmental comments. If you have a mom who never understands your problems, stop sharing with her. She may try to manipulate you to make you speak but don’t let her do that.
Don’t try too hard to fix
It is good to try to fix things with your mom. It is also good to say I love my mother more often. But this must only be done when you think there are some chances of betterment. If it is the 100th time you are trying then you need to stop. Some things cannot be changed so you must not waste your energy.
Invite her to therapy
Sometimes failed marriages and social burdens make people suffer psychologically. It might be that your mom suffers from a psychological disorder like BPD or NPD. Invite her and try to convince her to go to therapy. Do not force her because it is her choice to be treated or not thus you may leave her on her own.
Talk it out
Try to talk out the matters. There is a chance that most problems get sorted by talking. There might be some misunderstandings that can be causing rage and distress in the mother-child relationship.
Pursue your own happiness
If the matters are not solved by talking and it’s constantly costing your happiness then you need to pursue your own happiness. If you are happy, you will be able to do better in life.
Let go of guilt
It is natural to feel guilty or say I don’t like my mother when she does something that you never expected. Don’t throw yourself in guilt and keep asking what to do if you don’t like your mom. Let her go because too much force to keep someone toxic in your life will result in mental issues.
You don’t know what to do if you don’t like your mom and you are stressed about it. That is not the solution. Instead, you should work on things that make you feel better in every possible way. It is advised to include your mom in the healing process as well. However, keep in mind if she is not willing to make things better, leave the effort and focus on yourself.
Although we have always been told that we are supposed to love our parents and respect them no matter what the situation is, unfortunately, that is not always true. We may respect them but love might be something big to ask. It may feel taboo to say I am not close to my mother, you will face all sorts of backlash from society but the truth is, you are the one facing the circumstances, not the society. They were not aware of what was happening. The shackles of mythical elements are still on their feet and they do not try to break them.
The biggest step you need to take in the healing process is to think about whether you are going to include your mother or not. If you are not including your mom because she is egoistic and stubborn about what she says is “always right”, put earbuds in your ear and start the journey alone. It is a societal norm to love our parents but if they fail to show affection to you as a child then you must know that you are on your own.
It might be a hard decision to make at first but eventually, you will feel strengthened and empowered without being ridiculed or abused. Mothers who are from broken marriages and family pressure deserve a chance but if that is happening every day and you are giving another chance regularly then you are making a fool out of yourself.
Think intellectually about the impact of people around you. Make wise decisions about whom to include and whom not to. You might feel obligated to include your mom and if you don’t do that,l guilt might consume you but that is not the solution. To heal from the trauma, you need to move away from it. Unless you are away, do not expect any healing.
Craving for motherly love
It is normal to feel empty when your mom doesn’t love you or if you say I am not close to my mother. When you see people around you being friendly with their mothers, going for outings, and having the best of their lives, you feel incomplete. A child always needs the support of the mother in every stage of life.
If a mother is abusive, toxic or manipulative, you will always have the feeling of hollowness inside your heart. A child expects affection and care from a mother, but when it is not fulfilled they eventually start losing love for their mother and stress about what to do if they don’t like their mom.
Is it ok to not like your mom?
What to do if you don’t like your mom? Why do you say I am not close to my mother? Why don’t you say I love my mother? Is it normal? Am I the only one who doesn’t love their mother? All these questions are bombarded into our minds when we feel like losing love towards our mother. Many people take it as an offensive statement but that’s the truth.
What if I say it is ok to not like your mom or you aren’t alone in this? It might come as a shock at first but you will understand that like every other relationship, this can also be toxic. If you want to know why you don’t like your mom, do some soul searching and get to know why that is so. Is she controlling, strict, hypocritical, abusive, or narcissistic or is it just you standing against her without any reason.
Talking about toxic mom, emilydm from Reddit says:
“If your mom is toxic, there should be no guilt about maintaining your own boundaries.”
This emphasizes that you are not bound to keep up with anyone in your life if they are not supportive. Moreover, blood relations don’t define love. You might have long past the decision to reunite with your mom, but make sure when you meet her to describe your boundaries. Make her realize that you are an adult who is responsible for your own decisions. Pay attention to the energy you are investing in. Back off before you reach the breaking point.
A mother’s love endures through all.
It is the law of nature to be born with a love for your mother but that instinct may be lost if you see less care and love. Adults go through a lot in their life. Some suffer mentally, some physically, and some emotionally. However, it is our responsibility to support them in the best possible way.
Moreover, if you stop loving your mother because of her abuse or narcissistic behavior, it is best to try to heal the relationship or give it another chance. If you don’t like her, it is ok! Stop stressing yourself about what to do if you don’t like your mom. It is not an alien feeling. Cut some slack for yourself. Allow yourself to love what you are and what you feel. Make boundaries and be happy with your own company. Life doesn’t come with a manual but this guide would be beneficial to cope with life circumstances.