Who is the most confident person that you know?
A pretty heavy question but one I think that you can appreciate. If YOU are the most confident person that you know then no need to read further.
You can go finish taming lions or asking-out super-models or whatever it is that the most confident people in the world do.
If you’re like I was along with a million other well-meaning people, it’s a struggle to remain confident on a regular basis let alone in times of uncertainty.
But wait, why talk about confidence you ask? Excellent question.
See the thing about confidence is that it is at the core of so many other issues and at the subconscious mind level, the lack of confidence affects EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. (We write about this A LOT on Lonemind.com even in interviews with the world’s top experts on this area.)
Here is just a quick list–do any of these situations sound familiar to you?
-Talking yourself out of things you really want before you start (i.e. asking for a date, a promotion, attending a social event, etc.)
-Not speaking-up for yourself when the victim of an unfair situation
-Scared of commitments for fear that you will not follow-through or succeed
-Speaking in public
-Never leaving your “comfort zone” (i.e. sticking with that same job, not publishing all the great writing you’ve done in private, continuing an abusive relationship, etc.)
These are all things that at first SEEM like it’s easier just to ignore or avoid–but the golden question to ask yourself is–“is this helping me become the best version of myself”?
If the truthful answer is no, then you have three choices:
1. Do nothing and continue as-is (lame)
2. Convince yourself that “next time” I’m going to change this (or) say “after this I’m done” (lamer)
3. Do something NOW. (un-lame)
In this self-paced 4-part series How To Be The Most Confident Person You Know – Using Four Simple Techniques you will learn exactly how to do #3.
You will not see any of this material anywhere else on the web because this will not be just theory but my own personal stories and Herculean struggles that have gotten me to where I am today and the techniques that I’ve learned along the way.
So am I the most confident person that I know?
Another excellent question–which I’ll answer in the beginning of the How To Be The Most Confident Person You Know – Using Four Simple Techniques course.
The great thing about the ebook is that it is meant to be consumed over a four day period where each day I will give you a “homework” assignment that is guaranteed to build your confidence one day at a time.
Looking forward to getting started with you–oh and yeah, this is gonna be fun too–just wait and see because next-up I’m going to ask you to do something (I’ll tell you in the beginning of the ebook exactly what that is) that will scare the living crap out of you then make you thank me for it right after you do it.
You’re welcome. 🙂
ONE MORE THING. I have a small favor to ask you BEFORE we begin.
What is the ONE thing that you would like to be more confident at?
Just one thing will do–and it can be anything such as “speaking in public” or “making quick decisions” or “traveling alone” or “starting a new business” or “quitting my job”–ANYTHING.
No need to tell me–just keep that in mind as you begin the free course.
Let’s get started with “Day 1” below!
Technique #1: Embrace the Unknown
In a nutshell I basically said by the end of this four-part course you will become the most confident person that you know.
Impossible you say. That’s exactly what I said to myself a year ago too. Unfortunately I didn’t understand the fundamentals of confidence back then.
Here’s what happened…
I was in a job where I felt like I was just another number on the payroll, waiting for the end of the day and Monday was a dirty word to me.
I didn’t’t have the confidence to just up and quit (although I don’t know how many times that I promised myself that I would).
I instead tried to convince myself that I should be lucky just to have a job in this crazy economy! And that there are many folks that have it far, far worse than me.
The funny thing about lack of confidence is that when you fear doing something you end up being your #1 critic and talking yourself out of what you fear most.
Which brings us to the first of the four techniques…
Technique #1: Embrace the Unknown.
You must do what you fear the most. For me it was quitting my job without another job offer in the bag. I thought to myself how long would I burn through my meager savings? What if I don’t find another job in time?
I even visualized crawling back to the former boss begging him to take me back and letting him know how silly I was to think that I could leave the comfort zone of my cubical and corporate America.
[Insert sad fiddle tune here]
So did something perhaps a little crazy and decided I needed “some fresh air to think”. So I lived in a tent for a week in the woods of upper New York State.
Coincidentally there were many similar lost souls there as it happened to be the same campground area where one of the most profound spiritual teachers, Eckhart Tolle was giving a talk.
He gave a talk on “presence” or learning how to live in the moment and to not worry about the past (which has already happened and we cannot change) nor the future (which we have no clue what it beholds).
Tolle said that lack of confidence (or low self-esteem) will always be a challenge to maintain because one cannot constantly be in a state of high self-esteem.
That would mean continually giving yourself positive affirmations and reassuring yourself of your own value.
And that gets tired. And hard to “keep up” as eventually things come into your life that tell you the opposite about yourself, that little voice that says “I can’t do this” or “I’m not good enough for that” or “I don’t deserve…” whatever.
You end up always measuring your success and happiness in relation to other people.
You end up judging yourself against either what someone else thinks or what you think that someone else thinks about you.
But that’s all most of us know how to do, compare ourselves and that usually means judging either others or ourselves. Or letting other people judge us.
The amazing little secret is that once you stop comparing yourself and making judgments,there is no such thing as lack of confidence because you have nothing to be fearful of.
Imagine for a second living with someone who always criticizes you no matter what you do.
That typically has the effect of making you question your self worth which leads to low confidence.
Now imagine this person who was doing all the criticizing–was you.
Self-criticism is often worse than other’s criticism. Its one thing to let another person down but entirely different to “let down yourself”.
Once you stop comparing and judging yourself then there is no one to let down. The fear dissolves.
This is the beginning of being The Most Confident Person You Know because now you are automatically on level-ground with everyone else.
The bar has reset…and this time its not a race because you aren’t competing with anyone else.
So here’s what I’d like you to do for the next 24 hours:
No matter what happens or what anyone says–do not judge them or criticize them.
REMEMBER: its not what someone says or do to you but how you react to it.
You can’t control what someone says or does but you can control the way you react to it.
So, for the next 24 hours…
…if the waiter is rude–smile and genuinely act like it was the best service you ever received (you get to enjoy the bewildered look on his face),
…if your boss or a coworker tries to provoke you consider that she was recently diagnosed with cancer and is struggling with no support (sorry for the tough visualization here but you need to get into the mindset of this exercise)…bonus if you ask that person aside and ask them if everything is ok in their life and is there anything that you can do to help them. (you may just make a new friend)
…if someone cuts you off in traffic–smile because they don’t know you so it wasn’t’t on purpose. And even if it was on purpose…remember, its how you react to it that you always control. 🙂
Until then–have an amazing next 24 hours and look out for the Day 2 technique tomorrow–its going to be a little weird but I promise it will be effective.
So, am I the most confident person that I know? Let me tell you this. Despite the name of this series I do not see confidence as something that one needs to gain or “get more of”.
In fact I found that confidence is the natural default state of the human mind. Why? Just one last hint: Confidence is something that you will find that you already are once you REMOVE things from your life–such as fear and doubt.
Oh, we’re going to have fun with this one tomorrow–I can’t wait! 🙂
Technique #2: Develop a Sense of Gratitude
So how’d the past 24-hour exercise go for you? How many times did you get pissed off at someone else? Its ok no one will ever judge you here.
Getting upset is natural–we all do it, but again its your reaction to that event that matters more than anything else.
So let me ask you this–how did you react to unpleasant events this past 24 hours?
If you didn’t get a chance to practice yesterday’s technique no worries you can do it today (along with a brand new challenge that you’re about to receive at the end of this part).
What does gratitude have to do with confidence? Everything. Let’s be more concrete though shall we?
Gratitude is another way to say that you are thankful for what you have. That could mean your relationships, your job, material things, your opportunities in life, etc.
If you are not grateful for something in your life that is usually the same thing that you place little value on.
It is one thing to be grateful but another thing to express gratitude. Telling or showing someone that you are grateful is a very powerful experience.
In fact the more grateful you are for your situation in life (whatever it may be, good or bad) the happier you tend to be because you find yourself starting to appreciate the “little things” in life.
In Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want, Sonja says:
Expressing gratitude bolsters self-worth and self-esteem. When you realize how much people have done for you or how much you have accomplished, you feel more confident and efficacious.
Unfortunately, for many people, it comes more naturally to focus on failures and disappointments or on other people’s slights and hurts. Gratefulness can help you unlearn this habit.
Instead of automatically thinking, “Woe is me,” in response to any setback, the practice of gratitude encourages you instead to consider what you value about your current life or how you are thankful that things aren’t worse.
Gratitude is the core foundation of confidence that says to the world “thank you for allowing me to create a better version of myself”.
So let’s try this (yep its homework time again).
Think of someone that was very influential in your life, someone that has done something amazing for you or something important for you.
Now take a minute to write down as much as you can about why this person was so important.
NOW HERE’S THE HARD PART THAT REQUIRES A BIT OF CONFIDENCE…
The assignment is to call that person and read what you wrote down about them.
If you feeling a bit phone shy–check out this short video first to see an actual experiment where real people actually did the EXACT thing that I’m asking you to do right now:
The point here is that you are calling someone out-of-the-blue and unexpected and unscheduled.
The funny thing is that when you do this subconsciously builds the sense of confidence that allows to to express yourself, regardless of the little voice in your head that says “this will be embarrassing” or “I’m going to look foolish”.
Just do it.
When you’re ready let’s move on to the next step…
Hey again! So how did yesterday go? Did that weird technique totally catch anyone off-guard?
Well it made my day just knowing that you now have it as a building-block to becoming The Most Confident Person That You Know.
So ready to have a little more fun today?
Technique #3: Become An “Idea Machine”
I could have said something cheesy like “follow your passion” but honestly I care about you more to say something as pie-in-the-sky as that.
In fact, today we’re getting down to brass tacks.
While I do think “following your passion” is a bit ambiguous, there is a relationship between passion and confidence.
To me, passion is what makes me get out of bed in the morning.
(Sorry alarm clock you don’t get me “up” like that anymore.)
And to me passion is something that excites me and something that gets me closer to my purpose in life (or my yearly goal).
Enter the Idea Machine…
Let me ask you–how do you feel after an idea of yours becomes a reality? When you conceived it, nurtured it and finally successfully executed it?
Well for me it gives me a boost of confidence to do it, again….and again. More ideas turning into more successful realities.
So what is the Idea Machine? The Idea Machine is a technique that I learned from quite a controversial guy named James Altucher (and if you end up frequenting his site and not LoneMind anymore, that’s ok–that’s how grateful I am to have met you). 🙂 But I’d love for you to stick around with me!
Anyway, the technique basically goes like this:
Take a waiter’s pad. Go to a local cafe. Maybe read an inspirational book for ten to twenty minutes. Then start writing down ideas. What ideas? Hold on a second. The key here is, write ten ideas.
So the Idea Machine is a technique to write down 10-20 ideas a day about anything that you can possibly imagine. It helps to pick a general category or theme for these items on your list. So for example things like…
10 Things I Can Do Today To Make My Daughter Smile…
10 Courses I’d Enroll In If I Wanted to Choose A New Career…
10 Foods That I Will Avoid This Week…
10 Action Items I Can Do Today That Will Get Me Closer to My Spiritual Practice…
10 Ways I Can Make My Life Less Stressful…
10 DIY Projects I Can Finish This Week For A Better Home
Ok sorry I got a little carried away here but you get the point. It can be anything. Just write it down.
Idea Conception + Idea Nourishment + Idea Execution = Confidence that you can creatively get closer to whatever helps you to grow as a person.
Then for each item write a “Next Steps” column next to it where you will list the next step to get closer to whatever that item/goal is.
So if I had a list called “10 Action Items I Can Do Today That Will Get Me Closer to My Spiritual Practice “, one of the 10 items may be “Learn how to meditate”. Then the Next Step would be, for example “Try an online meditation course“. You get the drift.
Go ahead, give it a try…get PASSIONATE about it!!
That’s it for today–go ahead and write at least one list of 10 things with next steps and choose one (or more than one) and actually to that next step within the next 24 hours.
Bonus for executing more than one Next Step. Remember, its just a next step, you don’t have to complete your entire idea list in one go.
Above all–be creative, don’t think too hard about the list because its really a brainstorming session–and have fun with it!
Yesterday was probably one of the funnest techniques that I’ve come across to help get the confidence juices flowing.
With that said–you are in for quite another weird but proven technique today…
Technique #4: Play Your Own “Mind Game”
The worst thing about future situations is the tension and anxiety that slowly builds before the actual event.
When it gets to the point of consuming your thoughts this is typically when the self-sabotage comes in for that “perceived fear” is now real in your mind.
One of my worse fears used to be speaking in public. There was nothing like the anxiety I had when I knew a workshop of some sort was coming up and I was to be one of the presenters.
I spent so much time worrying about what people would think of my presentation that I sometimes forgot what I was saying. One time I was at the podium and completely blanked-out on my train of thought in mid-sentence.
For the longest three seconds of my life I saw nothing but curious faces looking at me–almost as thought they have been waiting for this moment. They were waiting for me to fumble up just like I thought I would fumble up from the very beginning!
Well thankfully I quickly segwayed into something else but let me tell you–there is nothing worse than feeling like a complete fool in from of a crowd.
In fact from that day on, which was actually not that long ago, I promised myself that this would never happen again.
Then I met a life coach in Washington, DC that totally rocked my world.
As it turned-out, I was actually correct in thinking about my presentation before hand but what I did wrong was obsess over and dissect only the parts where I thought I would look bad or come off as looking like a fraud.
The trick was to not think about what I would say or how I would look but how I would feel. The technique was to visualize myself with the perfect scenario.
Now bear with me here because I too thought that was a useless and naive tactic.
However following her advice I started off visualizing the people smiling in the audience, then some of them actually so nervous that it was hard for them to maintain eye-contact with me, then some of them actually not wearing any clothes, then finally a great line starting to form before I was finished speaking of people lining up to speak to me after the presentation.
You see the more ridiculous I played out the scenario in my mind the more confident that I was actually the one that would was in for a good show.
I then envisioned myself starting to have a little fun, make subtle jokes, call on people randomly and say things like “it looks like you there with the green sweater on in the third row has a question that many others here are dieing to ask–so I’ll ask it for you”.
Well since I started those visualization and fantasy-scenario techniques I have been eager to give presentations ever since.
So here’s what I’d like you to try for the next 24 hours.
For any upcoming event, meeting, encounter, etc. that will be coming up within the next day–visualize yourself with the best possible outcome.
Not only visualize but actually feel it–feel the emotions as your are simulating that scenario in your head.
If you visualize yourself making the other person laugh or smile, feel the sensation of how you made them feel…
If you visualize yourself asking your boss to be on a cool new project, feel the outcome of how pleased your boss was that you finally asked him–and that he said “I thought you’d never ask”…
Do this for the next 24 hours for as many encounters as you can ahead of time and let me know how close the “mental simulation” came to the real thing.
One more thing before you’re off to conquer the world…
For some of us it’s hard to learn to become confident just by reading a series of techniques.
Even though the past four techniques that I shared over the past four days are some of the most powerful in the world.
Some of us just need an extra boost–a more hands-on, step-by-step approach.
That’s exactly what I want to share with you today.
For those of you not familiar with Dr. Steve Jones, he is actually one of the foremost experts on confidence in the world–and has a VERY successful, well-established practice in beautiful Savanna, GA.
Well I’ve gotten to know Steve pretty well and when I learned that he no longer requires a client to visit him in Georgia and pay $2,500 but instead now has a 100% online course that he is practically giving away–I needed to share.
But I’ll let Steve tell you all about it here. It’s quite a powerful message but I’ll let him tell you about it personally.
Go ahead check out his very unconventional program that he 100% guarantees will work–you will be blown away just as I was but don’t just take my word for it.
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