Table of Contents
1. Penises need exercise.
No, penises don’t need to bench press and lose weight – but they do need to get chubby. And regularly too, because frequent erections are necessary for a happy healthy penis.
“It has to be essentially exercised,” says Tobias Kohler, MD, assistant professor of urology at Southern Illinois University School of Medicine, with a completely straight face.
“I recommend cock pushups,” he added.
No wait, sorry. That was Jack Black. But yeah, thanks doc, we young men have got this covered. To paraphrase a popular Disney song – let it grow, let it grow.
2. Penises love vibrators too.
Please, think of the penis. Vibrators aren’t only for women – they bring good vibes to penises too, and some of them will warm your heart:
Medical vibrators have been helping men with spinal cord injuries achieve orgasm. Usually, in this type of medical treatment the vibrator is placed directly under the head of the penis.
Vibrators can also help with problems like delayed ejaculation. But really, you don’t need to have a medical reason to stick a buzzing egg under your shaft head. It’s perfectly acceptable to do it for shits and giggles.
3. Penises are living planets.
A study by researchers at the Translational Genomics Research Institute in Flagstaff, Arizona found that the skin of the penis is home to up to 42 unique kinds of bacteria.
Before you run out and set your penis on fire, those bacteria are harmless and form part of your body’s healthy ecosystem.
But you have to say, those bacteria probably drew the second shortest stick when they decided where they’d live on their host human. The shortest being the bacteria living in the cracks of your poop chute.
4. Size DOES matter.
According to researchers at the State University of New York, size matters.
They conducted experiments with artificial phalluses to test the scooping mechanism of the penis’ coronal ridge, and found that the longer the penis, the better its “semen displacement” ability.
So what it means is that a big penis is essential if your lady is filled to the brim with the semen of 20 other jocks, and you need to pump out all that baby batter to be the daddy winner.
For the rest of us who’s not dating the Whore of Babylon, we can rest easy with our mini joysticks and never judgmental left hand.
5. Coming is a no brainer.
The male ejaculation is triggered by the spinal cord – no brain necessary.
But the process of finding a willing specimen in which to unload our DNA, on the other hand, is mostly a penis-led endeavor, helped (or not) by awkward pick up lines and illegal amounts of alcohol.
6. Penises can break.
And man, you’d wish you had broken your arm instead. Every year hundreds of men manage to snap their poles, mostly through violent intercourse or aggressive masturbation. These people need to chill.
Tom Hickman – author of “God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis” and presumed penis expert – relates cases where men crack their cocks by falling out of bed with an erection.
Try explaining THAT to your mom while she carts you to the ER.
Don’t worry, broken penises can be fixed with six weeks in bed and a penis splint. But the jokes at your expense will probably last forever.
7. Fetuses have boners.
Yeah, you read that right. Baby boners – they’re real. Apparently, that cute little “finger” you saw in the ultrasound scan wasn’t really a finger at all – it was a penis salute. Still cute though.
According to the legendary sexologist William Masters, in his earlier obstetric days, so many baby boys were coming out the baby chute with an erection that he set himself the challenge of trying to cut the umbilical cord before it happened.
Men with boners. We were born that way.
8. A penis is an ex-clitoris.
You might want to put your drink down for this one: A penis is basically a giant, floppy clitoris you can helicopter. Yes, every single one of them, including Bill O’ Reilly.
Science time! As a foetus develops in the womb, what starts off as a clitoris is slowly transformed into a penis by the hormones that determine a baby’s gender.
And the penis leaves behind plenty of clues that hint at its origin: The foreskin is basically a stretched and elongated clitoral hood. And the dark underskin and thin line that runs from scrotum to anus? Scars from where the vaginal lips fused together.
9. The world’s largest penis is longer than a footlong sandwich.
Jonah Falcon is probably very happy to see you. Measuring 8 inches flaccid and an incredible 13.5 inches when erect, the New York native’s trouser bulge once triggered a security alert at the San Francisco airport.
In contrast, the world’s smallest penis only measures 0.39 inches and probably triggered a few giggles.
10. The world’s most active penis award goes to…
You’re thinking, “I know! I know – Hugh Hefner! Or Ron Jeremy!”
Nope.
Those guys, while bagging more tail than most of us ever will in two lifetimes, don’t hold a dildo to our winner, King Fatefehi of Tonga.
In a span of 14 years between 1770 and 1784, King Fatefehi and his spunky spelunker single-handedly dived into the vaginas of approximately 37,800 virgins.
Thirty. Seven. Thousand. Eight hundred.
He probably stopped after 14 years because he was dead. Or maybe he just got really tired of vaginas.
